Archive for March 17, 2014

Showin' my full set of Uilleann Pipes.

Only a few hours left in Titan’s St. Patrick’s Day sale! Go to to get a month of unlimited HD access for just $14.95 (that’s 50% off)… Or go to and use the coupon code “stpat25” to get 25% off your entire order of DVDs, toys, lube and more. Sale ends tonight at midnight, and any purchase enters you to win two of our autographed DVDs and a jockstrap. Good luck!

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Okay, so the Irish don’t wear kilts. Just had to sport something green for the day!  Photo by the amazing Yeikov of Y?NOT

Musing on my muses

So here’s starting what should be a series of posts which a few of you have requested.  You’ve noted that Jesse has started posting on his blog a few items of music I’d written, and you’ve come back with wanting to know what music I listen to, and what pieces inspire me as a musician and a composer.  I’ll offer more explanation for some of my thoughts motivating this as I introduce more of these works, but I thought for a start I’d bring up one that has meaning for me a few ways.


Samuel Barber (1910 – 1981) was one of the most iconic American composers of the 20th century.  We all know his Adagio for Strings (written as the second movement of a string quartet in 1936, and rewritten for string orchestra in 1938).  It makes itself heard in movies, notably in Oliver Stone’s 1986 movie Platoon, and in recent years it has also become an unexpected hit for a number of pop musicians and remix artists, including DJ Tiësto, William Orbit, and Paul Oakenfold.

Barber was a gay man; he met his longtime partner, fellow composer Gian Carlo Menotti (“Johnny”, 1911 – 2007) while at university at Curtis in Philadelphia, and the relationship only deteriorated (though never actually quite ended) during Barber’s deepening depression and failing health towards the end of his life.  Menotti is known best for his Christmas opera Amahl and the Night Visitors (1951).

sb & gcm

Barber on the left, Menotti on the right.

Less well known than the Adagio, though, is Barber’s Piano Concerto (Op. 38).  It was commissioned by the music publisher G. Schirmer to celebrate their centenniary in 1960, was one of the first works performed in what is now Avery Fisher Hall at Lincoln Center in NYC in 1962, and won a Pulitzer Prize in music in 1963.  As tuneful as it is in its thorny way, I love it especially for its intense violence.  This is the first movement:

ARVE Error: need id and provider

This concerto is especially close to my heart because I was learning to play it in the fall and winter of 1993, in preparation for a soloist competition with the Greater Boston Youth Symphony.  On Christmas Eve of that year I passed my hand through a window, and severed both extensor tendons in my right middle finger on the broken glass.  Two months of surgery to repair the damage and two years of physical therapy spelled the end of any future I might have dreamed of having as a pianist.  I’m long recovered from the accident and still play reasonably well, but having once being able to bash my way through this piece marked a golden age for me at a keyboard.  These days I can still stretch my hands around the second movement, but this first movement (to say nothing of the firestorm that is the third) will probably never be something I can play again.


Three gay American composers, from left to right:
Aaron Copland (1900 – 1991), Samuel Barber, and Gian Carlo Menotti.

Ich bin riesig in Berlin!

So a few weeks ago Jesse and I were interviewed jointly by ZIP magazine in Montreal and published in French.  Continuing with our increasingly international exposure, here’s a very short interview in Berlin’s BONER Magazine, published in German (and where I note the interviewer has tacitly improved what little German I dared to contribute, LOL).

Boner_Maerz_2014_ebook_Page_22There’s a centerfold, a photo taken by a magician of a photographer, FLYFOTO.


The interview is conveniently printed in its entirety twice, the second time in the original English.


Blog-orrhea (not!)

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So here’s me saying it.  I’m a sucky blogger.  Here I am writing my first post here since sometime last autumn (and I’m not sure exactly when that was, as that post expressed some frustrations and at some point I decided it wasn’t the first post I wanted people to read when they arrived here, so I deleted it).  Meanwhile, my boyfriend manages to crank out a nearly daily blog entry, usually thoughtful and provocative though peppered with plenty of dirty pics, and even then manages to produce this awesome page for my blog of all my movies, complete with links to the movies and scenes, a task which would have taken me weeks.  By now I’d presume that most of you looking for news of me know to check out Jesse Jackman’s page, especially for photos of the two of us asleep together, news of our travels together or separately, or snippets of some of the music I write.

To some small extent this is because I have a tendency to wonder why I need to repeat some bit of news when Jesse has already written about it; it just feels redundant, or that I’m just copying his material.  To a larger extent I’ve been dealing with coming to the end of a long dark tunnel in my life, finally pushing through to the end of the debt I started to accrue when the economy tanked; living in NYC as an artist was hard enough when times were good, but when they went bad…

But my biggest reason I think is cultural.  This is not a news blog, or a blog expressly for promoting content (mine or anyone else’s, not that I shouldn’t be doing that as well); my goal here was to write about my experiences and thoughts during this little tenure of mine in the adult film industry.  The difficulty I have is that this is hence a catalog of my personal responses to and opinions about what I see.  For a Maine boy, imposing my opinions on anyone who’ll listen is considered rude; if someone wants to know, they’ll ask.  When opinions differ, it’s considered the obligation of each person to consider the merits of the other’s opinion and weigh it against their own; however, to correct or disparage someone else’s opinion is considered the height of low standards of conduct, and if this sort of blog is a magnet for anything, it’s for people who love to suggest that anything a porn star might opine must be full of the same frothy mush as his head and nuts.

Jesse raises a good counterargument, that anyone who comes to my blog is looking for this insight into my world, an analog to asking my opinion.  Okay, I’d see that point.  It still feels like masturbating in public to me, though.  Then again, I managed to discover my exhibitionist side in sex, so it shouldn’t be that hard to find a similar urge to skinny dip in the word pool, no?

The other consideration, related, is that I find opinions are flexible, changeable.  If my weighted opinion is presented with new information that credibly pulls me in another direction, I have no difficulty revising my belief and understanding.  I would call this “learning”; I’m always amazed at the number of people who call this “hypocrisy”.  I’m not going to be one of these people who stands his ground in the face of mounting contrary evidence because somehow it looks “stronger”; my preference would be to know that I’m as close to right as I can be.  A substantial component of that is to be willing to say “Huh, I was wrong.”  And I’m wrong a lot, just hopefully less and less so as I grow older and learn more.

Jesse raises a good counterargument: how can you collect other people’s input and opinions if you don’t put your opinion out there to generate reaction.  Okay, I see that point.  I just wish (as does he) that I could focus on the vast majority of our good readers who engage in intelligent dialogue, and I wish we didn’t need to see our comment threads overrun by ninnies and hooligans who can’t see past our cocks and assholes and presume that a pair of musclehead sexworkers are only worthy recipients of their contempt and abuse.

So guys, here’s my plea.  Help me make this easier for myself.  If you’re here, hopefully it’s out of interest, be that carnal or intellectual (and hopefully both!).  If you’re looking for a punching bag to vent your insecurity-laden dirty-laundry vitriol on, may I recommend clicking HERE or HERE*.  I’m welcoming your comments; hell, I’m inviting your opinions, even!  Let’s just make this fun and smart, okay?

And I promise I’ll post more.  Yes, that includes dirty pics.
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* or HERE or HERE or HERE or HERE or HERE or HERE or HERE or…