Daddy Issues

DirkColtonIM

I’ve been quiet for a while, I know.  This summer has been focused on making new things in my life go, and resuscitating older things I’ve let slide by the last few years.  That’s after we returned from our epic and awesome trip to Australia to do outreach for the Victorian AIDS Council, an experience about which I really need to finish a long blog post.

The major thing I’m redoubling my efforts on is my music career, increasing the amount of writing and performing I do.  As part of this effort, many of you were superbly generous to make contributions towards the purchase of a piano for me.  I can’t begin to say how grateful I am for that support, and all the thank-you gifts I’d promised I swear are on their way!  We’re scrambling to get the CD’s duplicated and packaged at this point.  The piano is taking up other time as well; just the rearranging of furniture to accommodate it is proving an undertaking!  Meanwhile I’m also in talks with a few people about resuming studies, perhaps pursue a doctorate in music soon.  Add to that our couple trips to California, one for the Fourth of July and Jesse’s birthday, and the other for work in LA and Palm Springs, and it’s amazing how quickly the time charges by.  Here it is, August already, and until this past Sunday I’d yet to lay eyes on a beach in beach weather this year.

All this is to pave the way for what I’ll be doing with myself after porn.  Or maybe not so specifically after porn as what will continue to fill my life as I taper porn off?  We all know people who retire from their jobs in their sixties who continue working, just being more selective with projects that interest them.  At 43 I’m getting to be serious daddy in porn, but I don’t think it’s retirement age QUITE yet.  However, nobody among you is gonna want to watch my septuagenarian ass still fucking on camera in another couple decades.  My days in porn are numbered, as are they for any pornstar.  And I’m starting to think about (and forgive me, this sounds terribly masturbatory, I know) what my legacy in porn might be.  I’m going to be remembered for something after I’m done; it won’t be anything that shatters world paradigms or changes lives, but I’d like it to be something positive, something I can be proud of having accomplished.

I got to have a quick chat with Steve Cruz of Raging Stallion/Falcon at the Grabbys last May in Chicago, about the fact that RS had asked if I’d be available for a film for the first time in three years.  I apologized for having to decline the invitation, as the shoot would have happened in the midst of our Australia trip.  I was REALLY upset to have to turn it down because it was a chance to work with one of my gods among men, Logan McCree.  Steve was honest with me regarding why they hire me so rarely: Raging has certain policies about what sorts of men they hire.  This of course is to keep a certain “look” to their films, and pretty much all studios have some sort of guidelines, codified or not, governing who they put on camera.  And I’m old.  Not too old, but of a visage where the best justification to put me on camera is to pair me with a younger man.

ColbyDirk1

With Colby Jansen on set in the Georgia wilds for Son Swap (MEN.com)

Men.com has been overwhelmingly generous with me over the last two years, for which I’m so grateful.  Scenes like the two with Luke Adams and Colby Jansen in Son Swap are scenes I’m proud of; the one with Colby is still one of the most-viewed scenes on the site, and justifiably so, considering how hot my scene partner is, the flip nature of the scene, and my kinda one-of-a-kind cumshot (a direct reflection of how much fun we had filming that).  Interestingly that scene is daddy-fucking-daddy, not daddy-fucking- … well, okay, can’t call him “son” because that’s far too specific.  Nobody is ever a blood relative, and nobody is under age, either as an actor or as their character.  I’m trying to hint to Men that perhaps this daddy-fucking-daddy thing might have some legs; here’s hoping they catch on.

ColbyDirk2

Colby Jansen. That was FUN.

And I think that touches on exactly what rubs me wrong about being “daddy” in porn so often these days.  It’s not that I object to the fantasy of being the older man, more confident and assured for a younger fellow; it’s the insistent flirting with the sex-between-family-members angle.  It never seems to be enough for there to be just a mutual interest across an age difference, as “daddy” is conventionally used in our everyday gay world.  On screen for some reason it always has to be taboo, risky, flirting with pedophilia (which so many fans read into this genre even through every “younger man” I’ve worked with was well into his twenties and every character is clearly understood to be of legal age), with family relationships (SHOULD a stepdad be making sexual overtures to his stepsons even if he knows they’re receptive? Not really to my mind…), and with societal norms.  I get it, it’s a potent fantasy for many of you, and porn is about fantasy and not reality.  But if we’re going to expect viewers to be able to tell the difference between the fantasy of bareback sex and the reality of an STD-risky real world (for instance), why are so many unwilling to make the conceptual leap from the fantasy of that sexy man mom married to the reality of “I can’t expect that with my own stepson or stepdad”?

Part of this is also not so much the ageism (though that happens too; I’m always seeing comments online about how old I am) as about presumptions about the nature of an attraction when there’s a substantial age difference.  This even happens on set; I had a heart-to-heart email exchange with one director who writes her own scripts, having to explain the difference between “daddy”, where the younger man is in fact interested in the older man, and “dirty old man”, where the older man has to use some sort of leverage to coerce the younger man into sex.  And then we actually had a fight about it when she said she understood my objection, but still wrote scripts calling for that.  She just couldn’t understand that there might be any other motivation for the younger man to have sex with an older man.  I’ve been surprised to find this assumption among many straight women, and especially mothers (she is both), that an age difference simply means there must be a predatory intent.  I tried to get her to understand that it doesn’t matter how connected and romantic and hot the sex is afterwards, if you’ve established in the opening dialogue that the only reason one party is consenting to sex is to avoid some other unpleasant situation, she’s just made a ____* film.  For one scene we never filmed the dialogue because I simply refused to stick to her script, and she threw a tantrum.  I don’t work for that studio any more…

DirkScott

With my sexiest stepson, Scott Harbor, in Stepfather’s Secret (MEN.com)

When I was in my 20’s, I don’t think a man under the age of 35 ever caught my eye.  I always dated men 5-10 years older than me, sometimes even more.  So I understand why “daddy” is such a potent theme.  It was back then as well; I just wasn’t aware of anyone calling their interests “daddies”.  So the prevalence the trend isn’t in question, and I have no problem with it inherently.  I’m just starting to tire of being daddy all the time, especially with movies which play so close to the edge of “are they actually family members or not?”  This isn’t what I want on Dirk Caber’s tombstone when he goes, that “He was a good daddy.”  I’ve done other things in porn, I’ve still some amazing things to do; there are going to be far more interesting and meaningful projects.  Men.com knows that there’s a market for pairing me with someone my own age (or at least someone with whom I’m on some sort of par–I’m pretty sure Colby’s not remotely as old as I am!); TitanMen has certainly been advocating for more age-appropriate pairings for me.  And I get it: I’m 43.  I am daddy for most of my colleagues, and it’s a mentoring role in real life as well as in the porn world that I’ve enjoyed taking on (though I generally prefer not to be called “daddy”!).  So yeah, I embrace it.  I just want to be something more than that.

So as I started out saying, among these shifts I’ve been working on this summer I’ve been reassessing what my upcoming goals are.  Music is occupying more and more of my time these days.  Home life with Jesse is becoming more interesting and involved and intimate.  I’ve some huge personal projects which are finally coming together fast.  Hence I’m thinking that perhaps it’s time to consider easing up on my porn involvement, similarly to those mentioned earlier who retire from work but keep going in a more selective role; perhaps it’s time to start picking my scenes even little more deliberately.  I don’t have to retire entirely, and I make more time for the rest of my life.

I do porn for fun, in the end.  Yes, the extra cash has been welcomed and in occasional circumstances direly needed.  But it’s not a long-term career, and it’s never something anyone is going to get rich doing, so why invest in it if there isn’t some enjoyment at the least in return?  All you watchers out there want to see porn where the guys on screen are actually having fun, right?  That chemistry is so much easier when making that film WAS fun.  Being given the same role over and over again starts to dull that enjoyment, and I fear that may show.  You don’t want that.  Neither do I.  So…

There is one other HUGE consideration regarding this, which I’m going to have to save for a separate blog post, partly because it will be a lengthy enough exploration unto itself, but mostly because I’m still working out how to couch an expression of frustration without inherently attacking the industry.  When I get it written, I know you’ll understand what I’m talking about.

 

* Addendum: I’ve had to change the text of this article, as one studio objects to the use of certain words in any post that references the studio as well.  As my options were either to remove the offending verbiage or cede all of my affiliateship codes and hence income, and possibly being denied further filming work with this studio, I am forced to comply.  It does amaze me that the context these words appear in has no bearing on their use; I can be using them entirely in the sense of “There is no _ _ _ _ or _ _ _ _ _ _ in this movie” and it’s still unacceptable.  I wouldn’t want to suggest that this studio is worried that you, my intelligent reader, will think that, by mere mention of the concepts these words represent in this post, I am implying that these things happen in these films.  It evidently is not enough that I am emphatically saying they do NOT happen in these films.  As this this studio routinely flirts with this fantasy and seems certain that you, the intelligent purveyor of porn, would be able to see past the roles portrayed, I cannot believe that your worldly sophistication is simply too suspect for them.  But I wouldn’t suggest anything of the sort.  I’m sure it’s a computer-driven process that red-flags those words in my blog post.  No human is THIS moronic.

42 comments

  1. Stephen says:

    So wise. I’m far from being a young man at this point but I still love daddies, which is why you’re one of my favorite porn actors. There’s just something incredibly sexy about a guy who can teach me a few things and make me feel vulnerable in a way that fellow my own age cannot. Thanks for writing this. And thanks for being my favorite daddy 🙂 (and also thanks for taking a picture with me that time at Starbucks)

  2. sxg says:

    Raging Stallion is so full of shit when they say they hire only a “certain type.” Ever since they combined with Falcon, they’ve watered down the quality of the type of guys that made them who they are and there they started overdoing the overplucked muscle queen look. I’m sure you know this, but if you look at the type of guys they hired from the beginning of the studio to about the late 2000s, they had NO problems hiring guys of a certain age, or that “daddy” look. And to me your age has nothing to do with why I find you so popular to watch, it’s that you have a level of masculinity that most models these days lack.

  3. Cyn Duby says:

    I turn 50 on Saturday. I’ve been dubbed Mama Cyn by many folks in my local leather and LGBT communities so I feel your … pain? have similar issues? something. I also don’t get involved with anyone younger than about 30yo, but not because I think the age difference means anything, but because my children are in their twenties. That’s a personal thing for me, though, not a judgement. What I find truly tragic, though, is the fact that for years/decades/centuries gay men have been labeled pedophiles by the haters in society. That has been, is still being, and, I fear, will always been the “go to” lie that is brought out to damn gay men and drive them away from anything having to do with the next generation, no matter what the sexual orientation is. It has stopped proven fathers (who were married, had biological daughters, and are now married to another man) from adopting a son. It has put a wall between those that have BTDT and can offer support and caring and those that need mentoring. Our tribe, our children (LGBTQ) are KILLING themselves. And we can’t reach out and offer support because there must be something nasty and dirty about it. *face palm* And you are spot on about coercion … if someone in power has to flex that power to get the other one into bed, it’s not consent, it’s rape. We need to stop buying that lie, the pedophilia lie, and the lie that younger and older men can’t just choose to be together. Sorry, off my soapbox now … but you were spot on and opened up a can of worms in my head 😉

  4. Ric says:

    Dirk-

    I wish the producers would realize that everyone is not 20 any more. There is nothing hotter than two mature men who aren’t just horny kids having sex! Not all of us want to see twinks. I think you are the sexiest man on line! That scene with Colby was hot because he’s not a kid. He may be younger but experience and the ability to take some time and see that there is connection instead of hormones is SO sexy!

    I hope I get to see you for years to come!

    • Jez says:

      Masculine, sexy men in their 30s, 40s & 50s are the HOTTEST. Nothing to prove and plenty to learn from. You’re a long way from reaching your high water mark and hope to see you enjoying your work for a long time to come.

  5. David Steele says:

    You are a good man…

  6. Lyne B says:

    I cannot say that I get it. I’m straight in a loving relationship for more than 27 years. One thing I do get, is that you are reassessing your priorities and that you want to develop something different. I believe music is your life and that you will accomplish what you set your mind on. I believe that you would be an excellent writer. I’m always mesmerized by your eloquent post. I never get tired of reading them. Same for Jesse’s. I feel you need to do what is best for you and follow your heart. I just hope that you will still be around the social media even after you retire from porn so we can follow your musical career. You are an amazing human being, you deserve what you are getting in life right now. Looking forward to listen to more of your music.❤️

    • Barbara Lampron says:

      That is quite the best post he has written. And I get it. Like you, I feel he’s getting his priorities in order. All his ducks in a row. We will stand by him no matter what his interests are.

  7. Liz says:

    You may not post often, Dirk, but when you do, it’s thoughtful, honest and very much worth reading. The “daddy” issues is indeed very complex. I was surprised to learn that a straight woman had developed a story in which leverage by the older man was the only way he could get a young man in bed. That’s certainly not true in the straight world, where, generally speaking, men are perceived to bet get distinguished as they age, while women just age.

    As a teenager, lusted after James Coburn and David Hedison, each of them at least a decade older than my own father. I wasn’t interested in having a daddy, I just thought they were sexy as hell. And how many decades older than his wife is George Clooney? (There are, of course, exceptions – no doubt, The Donald’s fortune is what makes that troll doll attractive to certain women.)

    You’re right Dirk, you’re much more than a daddy, and your legacy will prove that. Best of luck to you as you contemplate starting a new chapter in your life.

  8. Q says:

    I’m 22, and I feel very similarly with regard to the manner by which different media define the “appropriate” age difference within same-sex relationships. There’s still the prevailing notion that same-sex relationships are the result of an external stimulus and not a natural representation of sexuality, but is more likely perverse. And compounded by the stigma placed on age “inappropriate” relationships between men and women (men:old perverts as women:cougars), you get this overstated taboo on same sex relationships between men and other men. The problem though, in my opinion alone, is that we buy into the characters. Older men I tend to “relate” to often want to play out the roles that the stigma enforces. They’re my “Daddy” and I am their “Son”. And as I understand from where this dichotomy stems, I’m a bit taken aback when they feel I should play along. As much as I prefer older men, I don’t do it because I feel beneath them or even to be subservient (not to say I’m not up for a bit of role playing). I want to be treated as an equal, even sexually. My age belies that for me occasionally as your age belies your actualization as just another hot and hairy, cock sucking, ass fiend because you’ve crossed the 40 year threshold for media.

    I guess I just wanted to say it works both ways. I may not be a porn star (much to my chagrin and that of a persistent minority), but I relate to your ageist plight.

  9. Louis Bothwell says:

    Good observations! I always thought of you as a Renaissance man with porn just being one of many aspects… your musical aspects are more long term gratifying to me but I do enjoy your porn. Having well past my prime gay years, I am 62, I went from being hot in bars to being invisible -invisibility does have advantages also- but when I do [watch] porn I want men to men not men to boys… I may be in the minority but 20 year ols do absolutely nothing for me… thanks for sharing your thoughts and look forward to hearing from you on your blog. You are top on my list… porn and everything else although music is my weakness.

  10. Max says:

    You have managed to construct your reasoning very succinctly Dirk. I agree that many of the innate problems stem from this construct of what a “daddy” is and the way that porn is geared towards blurred boundaries in that sense.

    Daddy-fucking-daddy sounds like a great genre to me and your are centainly right, if you are enjoying it it shows. So if that’s what’s right for you do it Dirk. You seem to be very in tune with what you want and that’s the most important step.

    Keep doing awesome things like coming to Australia and following your music dreams. You are a man with a sexy body and a sexy being.

  11. Andre says:

    C’est une très bonne réflexion sur vous … Le meilleur pour vous dans vos projets futur …

  12. Andre says:

    This is a very good reflection on you … The best for you in your future projects …( In English … 🙂

  13. Terry says:

    Dirk I truly appreciate your honesty and candor. I,too, am an older man – 63 and still interested in sex. Body doesn’t co-operate at times but so what, its still fun.
    I enjoy both of your careers – film AND music. And your relationship with Jesse is an inspiration to all. You are a very good man and hope the gay community appreciates both of you! Hugs and grins.

  14. Jeremy Barcan says:

    I love to read your thoughts and ruminations, Dirk. You really need not be concerned about your legacy in Porn nor about your age. You have that rare quality called class. Fifty years from now your name will still be a household name because you are so unique and a rare breed (you should pardon the pun) among the “dime a dozen” porn models. Many new generations of young gay men will hold you as their definitive “daddy” fantasy and I will be happy to pay to see your septuagenarian dick fucking some young ass but aren’t you jumping the gun a bit at 43?

    By all means, I salute you for your decision to focus on your music as that will be a cerebral legacy and gift to the world.

    In the meantime, go on showing those other so called porn star pretenders what it takes to be a star.

  15. Rob says:

    I, for one, would be happy just to enjoy watching films of you and Jesse together… Twenty-somethings are not my thing. I am older than you and I prefer men with grey in their beard.

  16. Diane White says:

    Enjoyed reading your blog. Now I understand why some porn stars lie about their age even though they look hot as heck just like you do. Can’t wait to hear more music from you and your new piano.

  17. JIm says:

    Dirk you are my favorite porn star. I watch your videos and see how much you enjoy doing what you do. I’m in my late 50’s and would rather see two older men on enjoying each other then a older man and some one in there 20’s.
    You are a man who has many talents and what ever you pursue to do continue in porn or drop out and pursue your music career I wish you the best.

  18. Don says:

    One possibility would be to work with studios more accommodating to mature men: menover30.com, hotoldermale.com, older4me.com, pantheon productions, etc. Not that you would want to be limited to another niche market, but it could help overcome the restrictions of the “daddy-son” stereotype.

  19. Samuel legg says:

    Hey Dirk, I understand where you are coming from in this post as I’m a 22 gay guy that prefers to be with guys much older than me (which you are a fantasy of mine). I am with a couple who refer to themselves as my daddies, but they mentor me and never push any incestuous tendencies while having sex, only as an endearment term as it’s the only thing I can tie to an actual relationship to them. So to the people that think all daddies just want it for the incest reason needs their head sorted out.
    You’re not just a daddy, but a man of many talents. Big cuddle and chin up Dirk.

  20. Arthur says:

    Hey Dirk, No matter what, find your bliss. Im 52 and sick of my career. Im planning on retiring with in the next few years and pursuing my MFA in art. You’re still a young man, do it now!!! All the best to you. AJ

  21. Christien Archer says:

    Dirk caber is so gorgeous and a hunk. He can be my daddy any time. Love him.

  22. Shawn says:

    Daddy well its only because you have a distinguished look SO what your 40+ your fucking sexy as hell

  23. Geoff says:

    Hi Dirk, Despite grey hair at the sides and in my beard I find it disconcerting having to search for ‘daddies’ to find guys my own age (I’m also 43)! But it’s great to see mature gay role models working to change perceptions. I’d love to see more similar-age mature men in porn, and in storylines depicting a committed couple instead of some random hook-up or ‘incestuous’ sex. Sounds like that’s what you may have in mind? Good luck with all your future projects – I envy people with portfolio careers and hope to create one myself.

  24. Tommy M says:

    This is exactly how I felt recently in my own porn journey, save that I am quite mature enough to be considered a daddy. I’ve eased up on it and returned to my music, and I get exactly what Dirk is saying. It’s hard to walk away from activities that one no longer enjoys, so he’s doing the right thing here. I respect him for making this decision and coming to this realization before any damage was done.

  25. Sunny says:

    I do have to say I applaud you for everything that you do. I used to have a crush on you for the longest lol. Then I met my husband and I have moved on but I am really proud that everything you do, you do it with pride and you work so well to maintain a good image. Thanks for all you do and hope that you keep doing much more in the future with your life.

  26. Samuel Colt says:

    Great post!
    I feel you.. 100%!

  27. Quero receber todos os postais de fotos de DIRKCABER

  28. Dallas Steele says:

    I must say I really enjoyed our scene in “Blue Collar Ballers” because we are in fact about the same age (I’m NOT telling), and it is nice to work with someone who you have a lot in common with. Not only that, you’re amazingly hot, and an amazing friend to me.

  29. […] star Dirk Caber has posted a new entry to his blog titled Daddy Issues in which he talks about his current status as a “daddy” star, older guys in porn, […]

  30. J says:

    I’ve been a fan of yours for a long time. Here’s the one thing I don’t get. When you take a job (acting), porn or mainstream, you agree to the part. You can’t just say I like this part of the job but I’m not going to do this part. You should have filmed that dialogue otherwise you are only doing half of your job. Scripts are written for a reason. I couldn’t just take part of someone’s work and only use the part of it that suited me. You take it all or nothing. That’s like being a cashier and scanning the items but not finishing the transaction. Just my opinion!

    • Dirk says:

      Well, sorta. If you took a job as a cashier, you’d know before you took the job if you’d be ringing up groceries, or clothes, or adult novelty items or something. With these scripts, almost always the first time you see them is when you’re on set; someone’s already paid to get you there, paid for a costar and crew, etc., etc. So yeah, I’ve toed the line when this has happened, but it’s like that cashier discovering one day that the place that hired him suddenly changed product, and now he’s publicly ringing up kiddie porn, or he’s the public front of the local meth dispensary. And especially when there are people out there who can’t see past the fantasy and who presume that if I •act• in such a scene, that must •actually• be what I’m into… I get so many comments from people accusing me of pederasty, or from victims of incestual sexual violence who think I’m condoning this behavior. Doesn’t matter that they’re underinformed on some small plot point that makes it technically okay; the pattern is established, and on a number of levels, I am not required just to suck it up and like it.

  31. Robert says:

    Dirk, you are one of my favorite actors and best of luck to you in the future whatever you decide to do. You are a beautiful man with a heart of gold.

  32. Kevin C says:

    been following you for a while now & you could be my Daddy alas I’m the older one though but hey ho I can pretend

  33. david messner says:

    Dirk,
    You are hotter than most of your co-stars – i am proud to admit to being 56 & have never felt sexier . I met your hubby @ NYC pride parade & only got a quick glimpse of you, you are both smokin hot! The studios are nuts to think the mature men are no longer desirable. UN-fortunately AIDs robbed us of a whole generation of men who would have shown that mature men can be every bit as hot as younger men.

  34. Tony says:

    Dirk. This from a slightly older man 49 and 50 in March 2016. I like you have mostly enjoyed being with older me. When I was 21 I dated someone who was 49. He was an awesome man. As I’ve aged I’ve found that my interest in men really hasn’t. I still like my men around my age now. I personally would like to see more pairings of you with other hot furry men. When I first came out to everyone being in a porn was always something that I wanted to do, but never had the courage to try. Unfortunately I’ve started collecting illnesses like baseball cards and am now disabled due to the illnesses. So my times run out for being a porn star. Now my goal is just to get to watch my favorite men filming new movies. Not sure how I’m going to get that accomplished, but it’s always in the back of my mind. BTW…. You are at the top
    of that list. Yep you are my favorite porn star and Colby Jansen comes in a very close second. I will look forward to new movies with you and same age pairings. Keep being AWESOME!!!!!

    A fan it NW Missouri,

    Tony

  35. RobMiles says:

    Please try and fuck Zac Stevens before you cut down on Daddy/Son porn. It would be amazing.

  36. DavidD says:

    Hear hear. A lot of great comments above. I responded to some of your thinking here in another comment thread. But I realized something as I re-read this. I don’t like the daddy/quasi-son storylines now, but the 20something me would’ve loved them — well, maybe not the father-son thing specifically, but older man-younger guy? Absolutely. This makes me a bit of a hypocrite for denying today’s young guys an entry point to their passions.

    I think of when I first came out in my 20s — masculine, not a twink, but looking like a teen. I got hit on all the time. Dumb me just DID NOT GET IT. Why would an older guy want me? I wondered — flattered they did, but I really couldn’t figure it out. Now I understand that my tastes are not everyone’s. Had I that knowledge then — and bravery and one major physical difference — I wonder if I would’ve finished my own higher academic degree …!

    Again, thanks for your thoughtfulness and candor.

  37. Sean M says:

    What a great Blog and you are certainly an inspirational Man. Living in NYC I almost gave up on finding something worth substance to read and follow up on.. Then I read this and saw your pics! Needless to say I am both smitten and saying “Wow” simultaneously. I look fwd to reading more and maybe bumping into you one day! Stay unique and I hope continued blessings come your way.

  38. Lee says:

    LOVE you so much,dirk. It doesn’t matter what role you play as.For me, YOU,an individual who really does what he wants, is all my love.

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