Blog-orrhea (not!)

Photo Mar 10, 14 00 51

So here’s me saying it.  I’m a sucky blogger.  Here I am writing my first post here since sometime last autumn (and I’m not sure exactly when that was, as that post expressed some frustrations and at some point I decided it wasn’t the first post I wanted people to read when they arrived here, so I deleted it).  Meanwhile, my boyfriend manages to crank out a nearly daily blog entry, usually thoughtful and provocative though peppered with plenty of dirty pics, and even then manages to produce this awesome page for my blog of all my movies, complete with links to the movies and scenes, a task which would have taken me weeks.  By now I’d presume that most of you looking for news of me know to check out Jesse Jackman’s page, especially for photos of the two of us asleep together, news of our travels together or separately, or snippets of some of the music I write.

To some small extent this is because I have a tendency to wonder why I need to repeat some bit of news when Jesse has already written about it; it just feels redundant, or that I’m just copying his material.  To a larger extent I’ve been dealing with coming to the end of a long dark tunnel in my life, finally pushing through to the end of the debt I started to accrue when the economy tanked; living in NYC as an artist was hard enough when times were good, but when they went bad…

But my biggest reason I think is cultural.  This is not a news blog, or a blog expressly for promoting content (mine or anyone else’s, not that I shouldn’t be doing that as well); my goal here was to write about my experiences and thoughts during this little tenure of mine in the adult film industry.  The difficulty I have is that this is hence a catalog of my personal responses to and opinions about what I see.  For a Maine boy, imposing my opinions on anyone who’ll listen is considered rude; if someone wants to know, they’ll ask.  When opinions differ, it’s considered the obligation of each person to consider the merits of the other’s opinion and weigh it against their own; however, to correct or disparage someone else’s opinion is considered the height of low standards of conduct, and if this sort of blog is a magnet for anything, it’s for people who love to suggest that anything a porn star might opine must be full of the same frothy mush as his head and nuts.

Jesse raises a good counterargument, that anyone who comes to my blog is looking for this insight into my world, an analog to asking my opinion.  Okay, I’d see that point.  It still feels like masturbating in public to me, though.  Then again, I managed to discover my exhibitionist side in sex, so it shouldn’t be that hard to find a similar urge to skinny dip in the word pool, no?

The other consideration, related, is that I find opinions are flexible, changeable.  If my weighted opinion is presented with new information that credibly pulls me in another direction, I have no difficulty revising my belief and understanding.  I would call this “learning”; I’m always amazed at the number of people who call this “hypocrisy”.  I’m not going to be one of these people who stands his ground in the face of mounting contrary evidence because somehow it looks “stronger”; my preference would be to know that I’m as close to right as I can be.  A substantial component of that is to be willing to say “Huh, I was wrong.”  And I’m wrong a lot, just hopefully less and less so as I grow older and learn more.

Jesse raises a good counterargument: how can you collect other people’s input and opinions if you don’t put your opinion out there to generate reaction.  Okay, I see that point.  I just wish (as does he) that I could focus on the vast majority of our good readers who engage in intelligent dialogue, and I wish we didn’t need to see our comment threads overrun by ninnies and hooligans who can’t see past our cocks and assholes and presume that a pair of musclehead sexworkers are only worthy recipients of their contempt and abuse.

So guys, here’s my plea.  Help me make this easier for myself.  If you’re here, hopefully it’s out of interest, be that carnal or intellectual (and hopefully both!).  If you’re looking for a punching bag to vent your insecurity-laden dirty-laundry vitriol on, may I recommend clicking HERE or HERE*.  I’m welcoming your comments; hell, I’m inviting your opinions, even!  Let’s just make this fun and smart, okay?

And I promise I’ll post more.  Yes, that includes dirty pics.
Photo Mar 09, 10 16 35

* or HERE or HERE or HERE or HERE or HERE or HERE or HERE or…


  1. Steve says:

    Hi Dirk! First, THANK YOU for the blog post. As much as I love reading Jesse’s latest adventures, I really like to hear from you too! I accidentally (literally) discovered you guys while perusing Facebook one afternoon and I was hooked immediately! I won’t BS you and tell you it was for your minds, LOL! Hell no, you both are HOT and I wanted to see more! (Call me a dirty old fuck at 47, I don’t care!) However, once I started reading up on you both and reading Jesse’s blogs and/or columns, I quickly realized WHOA, these guys are INTELLIGENT!

    I can SO relate to being a sucky blogger. I have a blog as well out there……somewhere. Hell I can’t even remember where to find it or what the freaking login is. Let’s just say I can be VERY lazy at times, especially when trying to find something interesting to post about me. Meh. I’d much rather read about someone else! 🙂

    I’m looking forward to reading more from you and again, THANKS!

  2. hello , if you just want to post funny jokes or lewd cartoons here , that would be cool , it should be about things that strike you as shareable , you don’t have to have an agenda or structured plan . just be you , we already like ya . so its all good to us . if you want something to aim for , play some pranks on jesse and use this page to show us whatcha got up to . lol

  3. Cindy Hope says:

    I’m looking forward to reading your blogs. BTW I just had to click on the here buttons to see where they took me. That was brilliant!

  4. Karen Hatfield says:

    While I appreciate the information I glean from Jessie in regards to you, I would like to hear it directly from the source. I would like to hear your input into why a situation occurred or your thoughts on actions. I love the dichotomy of someone who composes classical music and works in the porn industry. I appreciate your “performance” art in both genre’s. It absolutely fascinates me. Maybe me, more so than most, because its so rare for me to find someone else who can value both as I do. I know there are those out there who do but finding them can be difficult! Especially when you’re woman who loves gay porn! I look forward to hearing from you more

  5. Jane wilkinson says:

    Dirk, you are a man of many, many talents. One off which Jesse showcased again today with your composed piece Beach and the Sandpipers, the third movement in the Mount Desesrt Island Suite. It was beautiful. Many follow you for obvious reasons, I follow you both, and am interested in your opinions on things, because you two are very articulate, intelligent men with a whole lot of sensible, sometimes funny & irreverent, but usually very knowledeable & purposeful stuff to say. People take notice of what you say & the opinions you hold. Whilst that seems to come with a whole load of responsibility, most just want to get to know you & Jesse better. As do I, you guys continually melt me with your love. Much love & respect to you both. We look forward to hearing more from you Dirk xxxxx

  6. Villeo Soon says:

    Always good to hear some news from you as well as from Jesse. Interesting to hear your thoughts and opinions too and it has been a while since you wrote something here. Just a short note here to say HIYA!

  7. Brandi says:

    I am of the percentage of female fans following yourself and Jesse. I noticed his page because of all the authors I have on my own page that support and share his posts. Then his page led to you. I fully support and appreciate the both of you and the things you appear to stand for. I don’t comment much because Jesse seems to be overrun with the… “ninnies and hooligans” and it feels out of place to try to say anything normal in the midst of that mess. Though here seems like a good place to say I appreciate you and Jesse for being generally awesome and not just using the various social medias to troll the same old crap.

  8. Bruce E Kerney says:

    Hi Dirk,
    I’m Bruce.
    I just read your post. I think that you are one of the sweetest, intelligent and sexiest men around! You like Your man Jesse speak from the heart which wins me over every time I read Jesse’s posts. I love reading what he says. I also loves when he shares your music! He is sp damn proud of you! I love that! I wanted to come to the Black party to hopefully meet you two but that will not be the case this year im affraid. Anyway if you post Mr. Man I will gladly read!
    Thanks for being you!
    Big kisses,

  9. irishtxn says:

    Dirk, Take some direction from Jesse, but also find your own voice here too! You’ll be fine as it finally takes off! Try taking a little bit of his blog and put your touch on it! I’ve seen interviews with you and if you can handle that, this will be a snap! Chin up my, all is good!

  10. Charles says:


    Great to read your posting. I just joined your blog, so this was the first entry I read. I thought your post was interesting and, more importantly, authentic. It made me think why I wanted to follow your posts to begin with. On a strictly carnal level I find you a HOT, irresistible, intensely likable dude. Men who do porn fascinate me (especially when I find them attractive!). I like to know what’s going on with people I’m interested in, if only casually.

    I can appreciate being in long dark tunnels in life, and coming out of them, and being careful not to enter them again. I’ve been there myself. I hope you’ll use this forum to share whatever you want to about your experiences, your observations. I like the “news,” but I’m far more interested in the commentary.

    Anyway, thanks for sharing, and thanks for reading.

  11. Dirk, thank you for this lovely blog post.

    First, I think I echo the sentiments of others who read this post and think you are wonderful, and GORGEOUS!

    Second, I have been actively blogging for more than two years, and recently began a second blog. However, I make writing a major priority in my life; we all have various priorities, and you have your career in adult erotica, your music and your life with your husband Jesse.

    And, you shall get write and publish another blog post when you get to it. And there are some things that I have yet to learn like adding videos, but that is for another day.

    Keep doing all the great things you do, and have a wonderful week.

  12. peter says:

    Hi folks,
    For some time I follow ur guys’ blogs. I love it ! Honestly, anything about the adult/gay porn industry you are doing is so unfamiliar to me. This is a world on it’s own. As a stranger to this community, I read comments, hear some rumors but this is so out of my reach. I just leave that for what it is because I wanted to take the opportunity to tell you guys I freaking admire what you do. If only you knew how happy you make xxx people all around the globe. You do something many, many of us only dream of doing. Personally, I don’t even have the guts to do what you do, standing in front of the camera, bare naked and do your thing. I envy and admire you and all your colleagues for this. I encourage you to continue doing that splendid work and hope you’ll enjoy this for many years to come. You seem like a fantastic couple and match together !

  13. FLYFOTO says:


    Self expression is one of the few things that we can do to share ourselves with the world.

    Your words here, be they mundane or profound, silly or insightful, give all of us, as readers a small glimpse into your life. The intimacy of that access is perhaps more powerful and meaningful than you realize. Through your thoughts, we get a clearer understanding of your intelligence, your passion and your humanity. As much as it may seem somewhat indulgent for you to use this forum to communicate, please do not forget that by sharing yourself here – you are helping others to understand who you are, and more importantly – what you stand for. By lifting the veil, and showing all of us the ‘man behind the mask’, you are engaging the reader in ways that the performer in you, can.

    Blogging has become the 21st century’s digital graffiti. And your words become little footprints of literary art left behind for the world to see, to process and to celebrate. Without trying to sound overly indulgent, I am always compelled by the wisdom and the sincerity of your posts here. In so many ways – you manage to illuminate yourself in a very real, tangible manner. Your blog – allows me the ability to understand who you really are.

    And that, as Martha would say, is a “good thing”.

    Keep it up!


  14. steeldrago says:

    The most beautiful thing I’m seeing about you, and Jesse, through his blog is the mind behind the porn star that i enjoy. That is far sexier. The snippets of your music I’ve heard are moving and beautiful pieces, i enjoy that “just a porn star” made that. The fuck head moralists making less of you, while masturbating to yours or others similar work (or that are afraid to), are made less by their actions-not you, not Jesse. Please, share the beautiful mind you have.

  15. Liz says:

    You may not blog often, but when you do, it’s thoughtful and thought provoking. I understand your concern about posting redundant items, but you and Jesse are two different people with different perspectives. You’re very much a renaissance man, and I’m interested in what you have to say. But don’t stress about it. Perhaps writing’s not your passion, so don’t let us pressure you into it; Jesse will keep us informed.

    It’s interesting to me that the internet trolls bother you, because I’m usually awed by what happens when one posts a nasty comment. The way the community of readers typically steps in to shut down the trolls (often politely) is inspiring, and helps show that there’s more good in this world than bad.

    I look forward to your next post – whenever it comes along.

  16. […] scenes in five days! — to pull himself up by his black leather bootstraps. As he wrote in a recent blog post, “I’ve been dealing with coming to the end of a long dark tunnel in my life, finally […]

  17. Boy, Dirk, can I relate…I used to be a pretty sucky blogger myself, who would maintain it for a few weeks, taper off and then do it maybe every six months, if at all. But I looked at it more recently as an outlet to keep some spark of my creative self alive, as well as a test of discipline AND a way to maintain sanity at a time when it seemed in very short supply (struggling to come out of a very dark tunnel of my own…again, we have that in common, too!) Now, although goodness knows how, I’ve actually managed to keep a daily blog going for over 100 days! Sometimes I wonder why I even bother – it’s not like I have a Perez-Hilton-sized following or anything – but now it really has become a habit, and a means of expressing myself that I don’t think I’d ever truly explored before.

    I hope that you will derive the same kind of benefits from keeping your blog as I have from mine, because just like with Jesse’s entries, I would enjoy hearing your ‘voice’, and your own take on your opinions and exploits as much as I have been enjoying your music….

  18. Todd says:

    Dirk, Just joined your blog after listening to your work on Jesse’s site. Wow! Stunning. Beautiful music such as that can only come from a beautiful and sensitive man…..

    I’m looking forward to your future posts whether they be music, ramblings or dirty pictures…..fascinating.


  19. David says:


    I was very impressed by this blog entry. Your writing style (and well, a heavy dose of physical attraction) completely reeled me in! I really do appreciate the authenticity of how you described the challenges and concerns in your life and I can tell that you are an accomplished writer. I do hope that you continue to blog on a regular basis.

    Remember that even if you are repeating things that Jesse has already shared in his blog, you are still doing so in your own voice. Your tone will absolutely be received differently – principally because you will be more attentive to the things which are of greater importance to you.

    My name is David. I am a completely unbiased reader here and have never even seen any of your films (or even Jesse’s for that matter…) but we do share some things in common; I am also a blogger and – we both have a mutual friend; the man behind the lens of FLYFOTO.

    I thoroughly enjoy your writing and wish you the best of luck in all that you pursue.

    Take care Jack!

  20. Gordon Karpen says:

    Ok Mr. Caber, I’m saying again I support your interests. I like your style, and I like your stage presence.
    In that I’ve mentioned this to your sweetheart Jesse Jackman, it must be said again to you: I like you. Take yourself seriously, because I do certainly take you -and Mr. Jackman – seriously.
    And in closing I thank the both of you for your efforts in advancing the presence of gay men’s expression and experience.
    What have you done for me? You and Mr. Jackman both have each done it: simply in being yourselves.
    It’s that simple.
    Thank you again! And happy new year to you both.

  21. DavidD says:

    This is a years-later reply to this blog post, as I’m a new sometimes-follower of your communications, and through you, Jesse’s. Just notice the support you have on here for YOU, not just you as object — though admittedly, it’s support for the you we see. Personally, as one who has had my toe in multiple professions and pursuits for decades (by need and interest and discovery) for decades, I get insight from you about the juggling, and the honesty it takes, how there’s a unity and synthesis to the compartmentalization that’s sometimes required. There’s a need to monitor a lot of feelings in there, and also a need to just let them be. THAT’S what I get from your blog, the desires of a contemporary renaissance man (emphasis on man), and Jesse’s can’t quite give me the headspace of your particular combo. (I say that having found a bit of a kindred spirit in his writings too.)

    I certainly never thought I’d be writing to two porn stars! I have spent almost none of my nearly 50 years caring about porn, but something about a few videos of yours I saw last summer — they caught me enough to search down your name. First you were smart. Then there was your aesthetic side. And here I am, spending time writing on your blog. Repeatedly. Guess we never know where our interests might go. (I just posted on Jesse’s blog too. I have never seen his porn, and attractive as he is — good God! — I think I’ll keep it that way.)

    In short, your particular worldview has value BECAUSE of your diversity and willingness to blur lines and grow and change. Sure, the blog is not your priority. But when you feel like it, know that other sensitive people are interested.


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