So here’s me saying it. I’m a sucky blogger. Here I am writing my first post here since sometime last autumn (and I’m not sure exactly when that was, as that post expressed some frustrations and at some point I decided it wasn’t the first post I wanted people to read when they arrived here, so I deleted it). Meanwhile, my boyfriend manages to crank out a nearly daily blog entry, usually thoughtful and provocative though peppered with plenty of dirty pics, and even then manages to produce this awesome page for my blog of all my movies, complete with links to the movies and scenes, a task which would have taken me weeks. By now I’d presume that most of you looking for news of me know to check out Jesse Jackman’s page, especially for photos of the two of us asleep together, news of our travels together or separately, or snippets of some of the music I write.
To some small extent this is because I have a tendency to wonder why I need to repeat some bit of news when Jesse has already written about it; it just feels redundant, or that I’m just copying his material. To a larger extent I’ve been dealing with coming to the end of a long dark tunnel in my life, finally pushing through to the end of the debt I started to accrue when the economy tanked; living in NYC as an artist was hard enough when times were good, but when they went bad…
But my biggest reason I think is cultural. This is not a news blog, or a blog expressly for promoting content (mine or anyone else’s, not that I shouldn’t be doing that as well); my goal here was to write about my experiences and thoughts during this little tenure of mine in the adult film industry. The difficulty I have is that this is hence a catalog of my personal responses to and opinions about what I see. For a Maine boy, imposing my opinions on anyone who’ll listen is considered rude; if someone wants to know, they’ll ask. When opinions differ, it’s considered the obligation of each person to consider the merits of the other’s opinion and weigh it against their own; however, to correct or disparage someone else’s opinion is considered the height of low standards of conduct, and if this sort of blog is a magnet for anything, it’s for people who love to suggest that anything a porn star might opine must be full of the same frothy mush as his head and nuts.
Jesse raises a good counterargument, that anyone who comes to my blog is looking for this insight into my world, an analog to asking my opinion. Okay, I’d see that point. It still feels like masturbating in public to me, though. Then again, I managed to discover my exhibitionist side in sex, so it shouldn’t be that hard to find a similar urge to skinny dip in the word pool, no?
The other consideration, related, is that I find opinions are flexible, changeable. If my weighted opinion is presented with new information that credibly pulls me in another direction, I have no difficulty revising my belief and understanding. I would call this “learning”; I’m always amazed at the number of people who call this “hypocrisy”. I’m not going to be one of these people who stands his ground in the face of mounting contrary evidence because somehow it looks “stronger”; my preference would be to know that I’m as close to right as I can be. A substantial component of that is to be willing to say “Huh, I was wrong.” And I’m wrong a lot, just hopefully less and less so as I grow older and learn more.
Jesse raises a good counterargument: how can you collect other people’s input and opinions if you don’t put your opinion out there to generate reaction. Okay, I see that point. I just wish (as does he) that I could focus on the vast majority of our good readers who engage in intelligent dialogue, and I wish we didn’t need to see our comment threads overrun by ninnies and hooligans who can’t see past our cocks and assholes and presume that a pair of musclehead sexworkers are only worthy recipients of their contempt and abuse.
So guys, here’s my plea. Help me make this easier for myself. If you’re here, hopefully it’s out of interest, be that carnal or intellectual (and hopefully both!). If you’re looking for a punching bag to vent your insecurity-laden dirty-laundry vitriol on, may I recommend clicking HERE or HERE*. I’m welcoming your comments; hell, I’m inviting your opinions, even! Let’s just make this fun and smart, okay?